The constant battle, pt 2

I wasn’t going to write about this just yet but the rules of Bren Herrera’s contest required that I rewrite my first blog post. So I’m gonna kill several birds with one stone. Here goes…

I remember reading about Elizabeth Gilbert’s constant battle with learning how to let go in her novel Eat Pray Love. It reminds me of my own struggles with this topic. The hardest and seemingly insurmountable task in my life to date is getting over my best friend.

Ironically, my first written narrative on this site was about him. Isn’t life funny? I always thought I was pretty good at letting go of things. I’ve been known to easily erase people from my life. I’d forgive them but constantly brood over their past wrongdoings.

“Your past has only happened once. Your memory has chosen to keep it alive…” – Dr. Mike Murdock.

Many years of intimate relations mixed with friendship, to blow ups and make ups, then back to a boy/girl-friendship, has left me completely and utterly drained. I convinced myself to accept the way things were but deep down still desiring more. It was a constant back and forth between the emotional and logical me.

Crossing the boundaries of a platonic friendship into a romantic relationship when both parties aren’t on the same page is certainly a recipe for disaster. I was in an unrequited love situation. I was often confused and stuck wondering when he would love me the way I wanted to be loved. I covered these thoughts up by saying we’d never work out. We’re “too different”. But still…I couldn’t imagine my life without him in it.

The feeling that I needed to do something soon became urgent. I’d written emails when the words wouldn’t come but never sent them. I didn’t know how to walk away (again) from the only man I’ve ever really loved.

Eventually, I chose to sacrifice our friendship (again) in order to truly move on. He might not understand. He probably thinks I am the most selfish woman on Earth. But I had to be selfish for my sanity. This was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and my only regret is that I wasn’t clear sooner.

I’m not really sure what to expect now. I’m not even sure I know how to explain it other than I feel like a piece of me is gone. Loving him was the easiest and hardest thing to do. And now I don’t know what to do.

Everyone was right: you can’t be just friends with someone you’re in love with. Duly noted.