Recently, I met up and had dinner with a friend. We caught up on each other’s lives, and eventually we got on the topic of why things never worked out between us. I kept it real with him and said it was because he never pursued me. He’d often check on me but never made any plans. To me, a pursuit involves more persistence than that. I’m sure he knew this. And living in Atlanta where there’s a million women to one man, it’s so easy to bounce from one babe to the next without much effort.
The Four Agreements, pg. 34 & 35
There was a woman, for example, who was intelligent and had a very good heart. She had a daughter whom she adored and loved very much. One night she came home from a very bad day at work, tired, full of emotional tension, and with a terrible headache. She wanted peace and quiet, but her daughter was singing and jumping happily. The daughter was unaware of how her mother was feeling; she was in her own world, in her own dream. She felt so wonderful, and she was jumping and singing louder and louder, expressing her joy and her love. She was singing so loud that it made her mother’s headache even worse, and at a certain moment, the mother lost control. Angrily she looked at her beautiful little girl and said, “Shut up! You have an ugly voice. Can you just shut up!”
The truth is that the mother’s tolerance for any noise was nonexistent; it was not that the little girl’s voice was ugly. But the daughter believed what her mother said, and in that moment she made an agreement with herself. After that she no longer sang, because she believed her voice was ugly and would bother anyone who heard it. She became shy at school, and if she was to sing, she refused. Even speaking to others became difficult for her. Everything changed in the little girl because of this new agreement: She believed she must repress her emotions in order to be accepted and loved.
Whenever we hear an opinion and believe it, we make an agreement, and it becomes part of our belief system. This little girl grew up, and even though she had a beautiful voice, she never sang again. She developed a whole complex from one spell. This spell was cast upon her by the one who loved her the most: her own mother.
Wow, what a revelation. After reading this passage, it dawned on me that at one point in time, I held on to similarly disparaging words.
I was a peculiar child. I didn’t smile at much, nor laugh at much. I was content with going to the library with my empty grocery bag and loading up on new books for my library at home. All I did was read and write in my journal everyday. It wasn’t until I reached middle school that boys even crossed my mind.
I had my first boyfriend when I was 12. He was awesome. We kissed every chance we got at school. It was the best infatuation ever. But he had a bad temper. Everyone labeled him as a bad boy so he had to go away.
My next boyfriend was when I was 18. Best boyfriend ever. Very sweet and very attentive. He was my best friend. But he got in trouble with the law. Everyone labeled him as a bad boy so he had to go away.
After that, I didn’t want any more boyfriends. I wanted to party and really express myself in college. But, I ended up with one anyway at the age of 20. I would say I was infatuated with him on and off for about six years before things became official. It lasted all of three months. He lied a lot. He had to go away too because he was a bad boy.
Sounds simple, right? But why do we make it so hard? Why do we get so scared? I came across this tweet the other day and totally agreed the young lady.
“At what point did things become so complex between men and women that asking simple questions warrant intense fretting and self-doubt?”
Like, really. We create these scenarios in our heads instead of just communicating with one another. Are we afraid that the answers we’ll receive won’t be the ones we want to hear? Are we afraid of rejection? Are we afraid of the truth?
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m an undercover over-lover. I just feel everything and I want that same feeling returned. It’s terrifying and exciting at the same time. But it’s the uncertainty that I don’t like. It makes being vulnerable difficult. It makes expressing what I want and how I want it an arduous task.
But what do I know. I’m just an emotional girl, eating a burrito and ice cream and drinking my very last glass of wine. Pray for my insides.
First of all, let’s talk about Terrence J’s face in this picture. LOL. Okay, let’s not. But Terrance J in the movie? I’d holla. Not for his mama’s boy character in the film but for his bod-ay! I see you boo!
I took a year off from dating
(things girls say when no one is seriously trying to holler) and I think I’m sure about what kind of guy I would like to date.
1. The masseuse – I have a mild case of scoliosis and I have constant back pain. That is not a line, it is truth. It would be nice if the Mr. knew how to rub it out every once in a while. Save me on a chiropractic visit.
2. The crooner – God knew best when He didn’t give me a voice like Beyonce. So I’ll settle for a man with a little bit of vibrato. Karaoke duets. What?!
3. The mechanic – You may think it’s funny but I’ll be laughing at you when those guys charge you a ridiculous price for new brakes.
4. The plumber – I mean, for various reasons, and not just toilets!!!
5. The graphic designer – I will REJOICE the day I date a graphic designer so that I too can finally say, “oh, my boyfriend designed my blog”. Take THAT you fashion bloggers! LOL.
If you could strategically pick out a guy to date, what would he be like? What would his occupation be? Does it even matter to you?
P.S. My list may or may not be serious. You decide.
One thing I know is that no matter how good of a decision it was for me to leave, I still feel like shit. And no one will understand why. No one will understand that even still, every time I see his pictures (or hers), I feel like I want to throw up and then sleep forever. There’s no rationalizing my feelings. I just have to feel my way through the pain.
To date, this was the toughest decision I’ve ever had to make. To leave my closest friend. The only man who has been a consistent factor in my life for the last damn near four years. Gosh, I sound like a broken record. Ugh. This whole healing process just seems to be taking forever. Where’s the manual? How can I skip to chapter ten or the end, fast-forward past this pity party? Until then, I’ll cry until I don’t want to. I’ll hang out by myself to clear my mind. I’ll eat magnum ice cream bars and listen to Sara Bareilles and India Arie. I will love him until I don’t.
I was lamenting to my homeboy when he hit me with some words of comfort:
Instead of chasing an idea that’s tied up in a person that no longer exists, get your mind right to focus on a person who will love you right now. Cause that ex aint that dude. To me you just want to get with a dude who feeds your spirit instead of drains your spirit. This whole ex bf thing is draining you. The point is there are ppl all over the place who would love to see you poop, and be your friend, and sex you down, and talk about God, and hold your hand, and feed you, and tell it to you straight when no one else will and all the other stuff that we need as human beings to feel fulfilled. It’s just not him now. He showed you what love was, and for this we thank him and fondly remember what was. But to him we say bye bye. You are a nice, kind, gentle, attractive, fun person with a lot of love and sick of bullshit. At some point you have to develop a low tolerance level for the bs. And shut him out of your mind until you have healed enough to have a convo with him without catching vibes.
SMH!!! Can the church (and all of my close friends who are tired of hearing this story) say AMEN?! His words meant SO MUCH to me. I cried and I’m ready to let it go, again. Sick of writing about this shit, lol. Leaving it in 2011. Attempting to open my heart again in 2012. Hello.
Her: Ohhhhhh. Think your life is pretty amazing
me: i dunno about that. i haven’t had a date in MONTHS! i haven’t kissed a man or had sex since MARCH. oh my god….typing that just made it real
Her: But you’re totally enjoying your twenties
me: i’m enjoying LIFE. we only get one. i can’t let it pass me by or live with regret. still so much i want to do. my biggest limitation is money but….. Her: I want that too
Her: Haa LUCY YOU ARE CRAZY
me: only in my mind. YOU’RE THE REAL PSYCHO! i go over scenarios in my mind and WISH i would’ve went ham. bet i would be boo’d up right now. “dudes” like crazy.
Her: Touché… I’m working on it. Men love crazies
me: they really do. and women who rile them up emotionally. wale said it best:
“but a woman worth some anger is certainly worth some effort”
So my question is: WHAT IS IT that attracts men to crazy women? WHY DO YOU STAY AND/OR GO BACK? I need answers.
And if you dare, DON’T DARE, send me straight to voicemail, babe I’M JUST GONNA TEXT YOU. -J. Hudd
This post is brought to you by a gchat conversation between my friend and I. Edited to protect us from the judgment of all readers. Also brought to you by J. Hudd’s latest song No One Gonna Love You. Crazy ass.
If you’ve been following my love posts, it is evident that I’m going through something right now. It’s no secret that I’m heartbroken. Most days, I feel okay. But since I stopped talking to him, I’ve been plagued with guilt, shame and regret. Feeling like yet again, I gave up on something/someone. Feeling like I didn’t do enough fighting/screaming/lashing out. But that’s not me. It may work for some other people but those behaviors are toxic to me. Therefore I never react like that unless I’m truly provoked.
That regret weighed even heavier on me every time I re-enacted in my mind how I could’ve handled things differently. Surely, there was something more I could’ve done to save that relationship. But it was too late. I knew what I wanted and I just couldn’t suffer with the pain of not getting it anymore. It hurt too much. And I’m way too selfish to share. So I’m wallowing and wallowing with sad thoughts and trying to balance them off with happy memories when…
I came across postings by Tiny Buddha in my google reader. I promise you, the first three posts were specifically for me. You ever feel like people just don’t get it, so why bother explaining? Yea, that. But those posts said exactly how I was feeling. I’m not even going to paraphrase. I’ll just post the most poignant sentences. Hopefully my sharing will help someone else feeling a little heartbroken.
Suddenly, I realized that what I really wanted wasn’t my old relationship. I wanted to feel good, and until that moment I assumed I needed to be in that relationship to do that.
There’s something incredibly empowering about realizing that what we really want doesn’t require us to cling to specific people and things—that we can experience the feelings we want over and over again in different relationships and circumstances.
Suddenly, the world seems more expansive and individual losses seem less catastrophic, because we know that no matter what, all is not lost. We can and will feel happy again.
But loss is undeniable part of life. Embracing that means realizing that every time we let go, we make room for something else. All is never lost.
Love is a blessing, this we know. Unrequited love is toxic, and it can eat you alive.
Loyalty and commitment teach us that we are not to walk away from people that we love. Buddhism teaches us to love without expectation. There are a lot of belief systems about love and I question them often. If your love is shared and you are both happy I assume you wouldn’t have to question love at all.
But if your relationship, be it friendship or romantic love, is unbalanced and one person is hurting, how much is enough? How many pieces are supposed to break and how damaged can we allow ourselves to get before we throw these belief systems out the window and accept that this type of love isn’t healthy?
How do we do what is best for ourselves without damaging the heart and mind of someone else in the process?
I now know what I would like my relationship with my future partner to feel like, and that is the first step towards being open to receiving this gift. Love is a gift.
It is okay to walk away from something that hurts you. It doesn’t require blame or justification. It just requires you to stop fanning the flames. You will find love again, and next time it will feel better.
“As long as you make an identity for yourself out of pain, you cannot be free of it.” -Eckhart Tolle
We are not the beliefs that we, at one point, decided serve and protect us. We are not the thoughts that, if we’re honest, only cripple us. We are not the sum of our internal workings.
Of course letting go of these will feel like giving in if we believe they define us. It will feel like a sort of death—like acknowledging there’s something wrong with us, and the only way to find happiness is to essentially rid ourselves of ourselves.
Freedom is realizing that letting go isn’t losing anything—it’s gaining everything. It’s stepping into the present moment free from limiting thoughts, beliefs, memories, fears, and judgments, to see what’s in front of us with clear eyes.
We have the potential to become anything—in fact, if we learn to let go, we will never stop becoming. But that means we need to want presence and happiness more than we want to cling to the past and our pain.
I know that was a lot, lol, but it was EVERYTHING I needed to read. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
And yes, I said possibly.
I’ve been boyfriend-less (not to be confused with lover-less or relation-less) for….*dramatic drum roll and dainty taps on the cymbals*…….five years. I know I know, what is an amazingly drop dead gorgeous diva like myself doing single? Chile…I ask myself that same question all of the time. LOL. I’m kidding. Really I am.
Seven months of celibacy
(CAN I GET AN AMEN???????) will make you think about crazy things like boyfriends, cotton candy, panda bears and other things that don’t matter. Sometimes, I do possibly wish I had a boyfriend. Yup. I’ll tell you why. I wasn’t going to write about this just yet but the rules of Bren Herrera’s contest required that I rewrite my first blog post. So I’m gonna kill several birds with one stone. Here goes…
I remember reading about Elizabeth Gilbert’s constant battle with learning how to let go in her novel Eat Pray Love. It reminds me of my own struggles with this topic. The hardest and seemingly insurmountable task in my life to date is getting over my best friend.
Ironically, my first written narrative on this site was about him. Isn’t life funny? I always thought I was pretty good at letting go of things. I’ve been known to easily erase people from my life. I’d forgive them but constantly brood over their past wrongdoings.
“Your past has only happened once. Your memory has chosen to keep it alive…” – Dr. Mike Murdock.
Many years of intimate relations mixed with friendship, to blow ups and make ups, then back to a boy/girl-friendship, has left me completely and utterly drained. I convinced myself to accept the way things were but deep down still desiring more. It was a constant back and forth between the emotional and logical me.
Crossing the boundaries of a platonic friendship into a romantic relationship when both parties aren’t on the same page is certainly a recipe for disaster. I was in an unrequited love situation. I was often confused and stuck wondering when he would love me the way I wanted to be loved. I covered these thoughts up by saying we’d never work out. We’re “too different”. But still…I couldn’t imagine my life without him in it.
The feeling that I needed to do something soon became urgent. I’d written emails when the words wouldn’t come but never sent them. I didn’t know how to walk away (again) from the only man I’ve ever really loved.
Eventually, I chose to sacrifice our friendship (again) in order to truly move on. He might not understand. He probably thinks I am the most selfish woman on Earth. But I had to be selfish for my sanity. This was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and my only regret is that I wasn’t clear sooner.
I’m not really sure what to expect now. I’m not even sure I know how to explain it other than I feel like a piece of me is gone. Loving him was the easiest and hardest thing to do. And now I don’t know what to do.
Everyone was right: you can’t be just friends with someone you’re in love with. Duly noted.