Recently, I met up and had dinner with a friend. We caught up on each other’s lives, and eventually we got on the topic of why things never worked out between us. I kept it real with him and said it was because he never pursued me. He’d often check on me but never made any plans. To me, a pursuit involves more persistence than that. I’m sure he knew this. And living in Atlanta where there’s a million women to one man, it’s so easy to bounce from one babe to the next without much effort.
There is no remedy to love but to love more. That involves patience.
Eight years. That’s how long the road from dating to marriage was for this young couple. My, how time flies. After listening to the pastor, I couldn’t help but to have yet another positive outlook on marriage and the covenant that it should be.
The Four Agreements, pg. 34 & 35
There was a woman, for example, who was intelligent and had a very good heart. She had a daughter whom she adored and loved very much. One night she came home from a very bad day at work, tired, full of emotional tension, and with a terrible headache. She wanted peace and quiet, but her daughter was singing and jumping happily. The daughter was unaware of how her mother was feeling; she was in her own world, in her own dream. She felt so wonderful, and she was jumping and singing louder and louder, expressing her joy and her love. She was singing so loud that it made her mother’s headache even worse, and at a certain moment, the mother lost control. Angrily she looked at her beautiful little girl and said, “Shut up! You have an ugly voice. Can you just shut up!”
The truth is that the mother’s tolerance for any noise was nonexistent; it was not that the little girl’s voice was ugly. But the daughter believed what her mother said, and in that moment she made an agreement with herself. After that she no longer sang, because she believed her voice was ugly and would bother anyone who heard it. She became shy at school, and if she was to sing, she refused. Even speaking to others became difficult for her. Everything changed in the little girl because of this new agreement: She believed she must repress her emotions in order to be accepted and loved.
Whenever we hear an opinion and believe it, we make an agreement, and it becomes part of our belief system. This little girl grew up, and even though she had a beautiful voice, she never sang again. She developed a whole complex from one spell. This spell was cast upon her by the one who loved her the most: her own mother.
Wow, what a revelation. After reading this passage, it dawned on me that at one point in time, I held on to similarly disparaging words.
The highlight of my weekend was being able to witness the nuptials of two of my friends. But, not without some pre-wedding drama. If you were in Atlanta this weekend, you experienced the monsoon winds and incessant rain. I was already running a little late to the wedding. My GPS noted that I was only five miles away from my destination. But not before I got into a fender bender with a white Mercedes-Benz. At that point, I was absolutely ready to burst in tears. Just two months ago on a rainy night, someone hit me from behind. And now, on a rainy day, I hit someone from behind. Just my luck.
My mood was completely ruined. I texted one of my friends letting her know what happened and that I would not attend the wedding. Long story short, after exchanging insurance information and shooing off the officer, I was able to attend the wedding. I’m so glad I did!
I can’t say that celebrating my birthday is something I enjoy doing. Most times, something bad always happens. But this year, I really did enjoy myself and my company.
In the midst of my “loner” moments, I forget how much love I have surrounding me. And it’s the little things that matter to me the most: the time spent and the memories. It’s the things that money cannot buy.
I’m so very grateful to the few people who came out and celebrated with me. The new and the old friends. I really appreciate you all. Thanks for the memories. XoXo.
She couldn’t remember the last time she sat this close to a man and felt anything. This was nice. This felt different, comforting and familiar. Men rarely impressed her but his silent confidence piqued her interest. This was good, yeah.
Sitting side by side, they chatted about random things like old friends. Her head gently brushing his shoulder every once in a while. All of a sudden, without thinking twice, she decided to make a move. Slowly, she twisted her neck up to meet his face. She kissed his cheek. Something tender, short and sweet. But to her surprise, he aimed for her lips. And right there, in a corner of a cafe, they kissed like it was their last first kiss. Passionately, hungrily.
I was a peculiar child. I didn’t smile at much, nor laugh at much. I was content with going to the library with my empty grocery bag and loading up on new books for my library at home. All I did was read and write in my journal everyday. It wasn’t until I reached middle school that boys even crossed my mind.
I had my first boyfriend when I was 12. He was awesome. We kissed every chance we got at school. It was the best infatuation ever. But he had a bad temper. Everyone labeled him as a bad boy so he had to go away.
My next boyfriend was when I was 18. Best boyfriend ever. Very sweet and very attentive. He was my best friend. But he got in trouble with the law. Everyone labeled him as a bad boy so he had to go away.
After that, I didn’t want any more boyfriends. I wanted to party and really express myself in college. But, I ended up with one anyway at the age of 20. I would say I was infatuated with him on and off for about six years before things became official. It lasted all of three months. He lied a lot. He had to go away too because he was a bad boy.
I think about love everyday. Not just being in love but the expression of love. I like to watch people in love. I like to observe how a couple interacts with one another. How their eyes twinkle when their partner says something cute. Or how they roll their eyes when their partner says something corny. One of the greatest expressions of love (to me) is in the movie Love Jones.
Poet and writer, Darius Lovehall (Lorenz Tate), meets and falls for Nina Moseley (Nia Long), a photographer. From the very beginning, their union was filled with passion. They attended poetry sessions and talked about love and sex. It seemed perfect but of course there were loose ends. Eventually, they reached a point in their relationship where they needed to define what they were and what they were doing.
“I mean, we’re just friends, right? We’re just kicking it, right?”
Of course there was mistrust and games and all the other things that no one aspires to have in a relationship. I wouldn’t recommend seeing this film in hopes of receiving a complicated love like it. But the emotions were undeniable. That’s what I remember. Something I could feel.
I don’t want to spoil the movie for you (stop watching the video below at minute 8:00 if you don’t want to know how it ends) but pay attention to the expressions. I see admiration, urgency, desire, care and love. I mean, even if it was just acting, that was some damn good acting.
I AM REMEMBERING LOVE
the shape of sound high in the evergreens
it lies suspended in hills
a blue line in a red sky
I am looking at sound
I’m hearing the brightness of high bluffs and almond trees
I am tasting the wilderness of lakes, rivers, and streams
caught in an angle of song
I am remembering water that glows in the dawn
the motion tumbled in earth
life hidden in mounds
I am dancing a bright beam of life
I am, remembering love.
– Sonja Sanchez
Sounds simple, right? But why do we make it so hard? Why do we get so scared? I came across this tweet the other day and totally agreed the young lady.
“At what point did things become so complex between men and women that asking simple questions warrant intense fretting and self-doubt?”
Like, really. We create these scenarios in our heads instead of just communicating with one another. Are we afraid that the answers we’ll receive won’t be the ones we want to hear? Are we afraid of rejection? Are we afraid of the truth?
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m an undercover over-lover. I just feel everything and I want that same feeling returned. It’s terrifying and exciting at the same time. But it’s the uncertainty that I don’t like. It makes being vulnerable difficult. It makes expressing what I want and how I want it an arduous task.
But what do I know. I’m just an emotional girl, eating a burrito and ice cream and drinking my very last glass of wine. Pray for my insides.
“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.” -The Perks of Being a Wallflower