Recently, I met up and had dinner with a friend. We caught up on each other’s lives, and eventually we got on the topic of why things never worked out between us. I kept it real with him and said it was because he never pursued me. He’d often check on me but never made any plans. To me, a pursuit involves more persistence than that. I’m sure he knew this. And living in Atlanta where there’s a million women to one man, it’s so easy to bounce from one babe to the next without much effort.
Last night I watched the classic, The Breakfast Club. I’m a little embarrassed to say that I hadn’t seen it before then. And maybe because I was barely paying attention but for the first half of the movie, I really questioned why it was even made. The plot seemed uninteresting and slow. But as I continued to watch the characters develop, I quickly retracted my statements.
I have this thing where I can hang out with certain people 24/7. Only a few though. This weekend, I literally spent Friday, Saturday and Sunday with my FRIENDSIES Tara and Marcia. We don’t get on each others nerves. We just watch tv, get on our laptops and laugh randomly at how Marcia and I are Taurus twins. Very refreshing.
After our impromptu girls night on Friday, we decided to go to the park on Saturday.
Of course they were fashionably late so I stopped in Flying Biscuit to smash some food really quick.
In honor of National Women’s and Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, Co-founders of The Red Pump Project, Karyn and Luvvie, decided to present an event around several U.S. cities. The Red Pump Project is a nonprofit organization that raises awareness about the impact of HIV/AIDS on women and girls.
To commemorate this day, I attended Cupcakes and Condoms, hosted by the Atlanta ambassador, Skyy Banks. We spent our afternoon mingling, chatting about sexual health and, of course, eating cupcakes.
I was a peculiar child. I didn’t smile at much, nor laugh at much. I was content with going to the library with my empty grocery bag and loading up on new books for my library at home. All I did was read and write in my journal everyday. It wasn’t until I reached middle school that boys even crossed my mind.
I had my first boyfriend when I was 12. He was awesome. We kissed every chance we got at school. It was the best infatuation ever. But he had a bad temper. Everyone labeled him as a bad boy so he had to go away.
My next boyfriend was when I was 18. Best boyfriend ever. Very sweet and very attentive. He was my best friend. But he got in trouble with the law. Everyone labeled him as a bad boy so he had to go away.
After that, I didn’t want any more boyfriends. I wanted to party and really express myself in college. But, I ended up with one anyway at the age of 20. I would say I was infatuated with him on and off for about six years before things became official. It lasted all of three months. He lied a lot. He had to go away too because he was a bad boy.
Sounds simple, right? But why do we make it so hard? Why do we get so scared? I came across this tweet the other day and totally agreed the young lady.
“At what point did things become so complex between men and women that asking simple questions warrant intense fretting and self-doubt?”
Like, really. We create these scenarios in our heads instead of just communicating with one another. Are we afraid that the answers we’ll receive won’t be the ones we want to hear? Are we afraid of rejection? Are we afraid of the truth?
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m an undercover over-lover. I just feel everything and I want that same feeling returned. It’s terrifying and exciting at the same time. But it’s the uncertainty that I don’t like. It makes being vulnerable difficult. It makes expressing what I want and how I want it an arduous task.
But what do I know. I’m just an emotional girl, eating a burrito and ice cream and drinking my very last glass of wine. Pray for my insides.
First of all, let’s talk about Terrence J’s face in this picture. LOL. Okay, let’s not. But Terrance J in the movie? I’d holla. Not for his mama’s boy character in the film but for his bod-ay! I see you boo!
I took a year off from dating
(things girls say when no one is seriously trying to holler) and I think I’m sure about what kind of guy I would like to date.
1. The masseuse – I have a mild case of scoliosis and I have constant back pain. That is not a line, it is truth. It would be nice if the Mr. knew how to rub it out every once in a while. Save me on a chiropractic visit.
2. The crooner – God knew best when He didn’t give me a voice like Beyonce. So I’ll settle for a man with a little bit of vibrato. Karaoke duets. What?!
3. The mechanic – You may think it’s funny but I’ll be laughing at you when those guys charge you a ridiculous price for new brakes.
4. The plumber – I mean, for various reasons, and not just toilets!!!
5. The graphic designer – I will REJOICE the day I date a graphic designer so that I too can finally say, “oh, my boyfriend designed my blog”. Take THAT you fashion bloggers! LOL.
If you could strategically pick out a guy to date, what would he be like? What would his occupation be? Does it even matter to you?
P.S. My list may or may not be serious. You decide.
One thing I know is that no matter how good of a decision it was for me to leave, I still feel like shit. And no one will understand why. No one will understand that even still, every time I see his pictures (or hers), I feel like I want to throw up and then sleep forever. There’s no rationalizing my feelings. I just have to feel my way through the pain.
To date, this was the toughest decision I’ve ever had to make. To leave my closest friend. The only man who has been a consistent factor in my life for the last damn near four years. Gosh, I sound like a broken record. Ugh. This whole healing process just seems to be taking forever. Where’s the manual? How can I skip to chapter ten or the end, fast-forward past this pity party? Until then, I’ll cry until I don’t want to. I’ll hang out by myself to clear my mind. I’ll eat magnum ice cream bars and listen to Sara Bareilles and India Arie. I will love him until I don’t.
I was lamenting to my homeboy when he hit me with some words of comfort:
Instead of chasing an idea that’s tied up in a person that no longer exists, get your mind right to focus on a person who will love you right now. Cause that ex aint that dude. To me you just want to get with a dude who feeds your spirit instead of drains your spirit. This whole ex bf thing is draining you. The point is there are ppl all over the place who would love to see you poop, and be your friend, and sex you down, and talk about God, and hold your hand, and feed you, and tell it to you straight when no one else will and all the other stuff that we need as human beings to feel fulfilled. It’s just not him now. He showed you what love was, and for this we thank him and fondly remember what was. But to him we say bye bye. You are a nice, kind, gentle, attractive, fun person with a lot of love and sick of bullshit. At some point you have to develop a low tolerance level for the bs. And shut him out of your mind until you have healed enough to have a convo with him without catching vibes.
SMH!!! Can the church (and all of my close friends who are tired of hearing this story) say AMEN?! His words meant SO MUCH to me. I cried and I’m ready to let it go, again. Sick of writing about this shit, lol. Leaving it in 2011. Attempting to open my heart again in 2012. Hello.
If you’ve been following my love posts, it is evident that I’m going through something right now. It’s no secret that I’m heartbroken. Most days, I feel okay. But since I stopped talking to him, I’ve been plagued with guilt, shame and regret. Feeling like yet again, I gave up on something/someone. Feeling like I didn’t do enough fighting/screaming/lashing out. But that’s not me. It may work for some other people but those behaviors are toxic to me. Therefore I never react like that unless I’m truly provoked.
That regret weighed even heavier on me every time I re-enacted in my mind how I could’ve handled things differently. Surely, there was something more I could’ve done to save that relationship. But it was too late. I knew what I wanted and I just couldn’t suffer with the pain of not getting it anymore. It hurt too much. And I’m way too selfish to share. So I’m wallowing and wallowing with sad thoughts and trying to balance them off with happy memories when…
I came across postings by Tiny Buddha in my google reader. I promise you, the first three posts were specifically for me. You ever feel like people just don’t get it, so why bother explaining? Yea, that. But those posts said exactly how I was feeling. I’m not even going to paraphrase. I’ll just post the most poignant sentences. Hopefully my sharing will help someone else feeling a little heartbroken.
Suddenly, I realized that what I really wanted wasn’t my old relationship. I wanted to feel good, and until that moment I assumed I needed to be in that relationship to do that.
There’s something incredibly empowering about realizing that what we really want doesn’t require us to cling to specific people and things—that we can experience the feelings we want over and over again in different relationships and circumstances.
Suddenly, the world seems more expansive and individual losses seem less catastrophic, because we know that no matter what, all is not lost. We can and will feel happy again.
But loss is undeniable part of life. Embracing that means realizing that every time we let go, we make room for something else. All is never lost.
Love is a blessing, this we know. Unrequited love is toxic, and it can eat you alive.
Loyalty and commitment teach us that we are not to walk away from people that we love. Buddhism teaches us to love without expectation. There are a lot of belief systems about love and I question them often. If your love is shared and you are both happy I assume you wouldn’t have to question love at all.
But if your relationship, be it friendship or romantic love, is unbalanced and one person is hurting, how much is enough? How many pieces are supposed to break and how damaged can we allow ourselves to get before we throw these belief systems out the window and accept that this type of love isn’t healthy?
How do we do what is best for ourselves without damaging the heart and mind of someone else in the process?
I now know what I would like my relationship with my future partner to feel like, and that is the first step towards being open to receiving this gift. Love is a gift.
It is okay to walk away from something that hurts you. It doesn’t require blame or justification. It just requires you to stop fanning the flames. You will find love again, and next time it will feel better.
“As long as you make an identity for yourself out of pain, you cannot be free of it.” -Eckhart Tolle
We are not the beliefs that we, at one point, decided serve and protect us. We are not the thoughts that, if we’re honest, only cripple us. We are not the sum of our internal workings.
Of course letting go of these will feel like giving in if we believe they define us. It will feel like a sort of death—like acknowledging there’s something wrong with us, and the only way to find happiness is to essentially rid ourselves of ourselves.
Freedom is realizing that letting go isn’t losing anything—it’s gaining everything. It’s stepping into the present moment free from limiting thoughts, beliefs, memories, fears, and judgments, to see what’s in front of us with clear eyes.
We have the potential to become anything—in fact, if we learn to let go, we will never stop becoming. But that means we need to want presence and happiness more than we want to cling to the past and our pain.
I know that was a lot, lol, but it was EVERYTHING I needed to read. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
And yes, I said possibly.
I’ve been boyfriend-less (not to be confused with lover-less or relation-less) for….*dramatic drum roll and dainty taps on the cymbals*…….five years. I know I know, what is an amazingly drop dead gorgeous diva like myself doing single? Chile…I ask myself that same question all of the time. LOL. I’m kidding. Really I am.
Seven months of celibacy
(CAN I GET AN AMEN???????) will make you think about crazy things like boyfriends, cotton candy, panda bears and other things that don’t matter. Sometimes, I do possibly wish I had a boyfriend. Yup. I’ll tell you why.