I absolutely did not want to get up for work this morning. I did not want to get dressed or brush my teeth. Or do my makeup. I did not want to make that one hour-long commute. Of course I begrudgingly did all of those things.
I’ve been in a very introspective mood lately. Really, I always am. Always over-thinking, always over-analyzing and always observing. It’s exhausting! Despite all of that, I had a pretty good weekend. Spent time with friends: eating, drinking and laughing until we couldn’t stand it. And I loved it. But there’s always that moment after it’s all over when you retreat back to your thoughts. Back to reality.
Yesterday after work, I went home, took a nap and woke up restless. The sun was out being annoyingly bright. I got up with the intent to do yoga but I always forget the moves so there’s that. Then I decided to take a walk but I didn’t feel like being chased by a dog. So, I went to the small airport by my house just to watch the sunset and ruminate over different aspects of life.
As long as we are persistent in our pursuit of our deepest destiny, we will continue to grow. We cannot choose the day or time when we will fully bloom. It happens in its own time. –Denis Waitley
Over the weekend, I attended the event of my friend Katrice (My Vicarious Life). In an effort to start the conversation about living our best lives, Katrice had a panel of three women who she deemed successful. They shared with us their journey and left us with wonderful words of encouragement on pursuing our dreams.
Kudos to Katrice and to a successful event!
Last week, a friend of mine put this post in her Gmail status. Shortly after reading it, I came across this post amongst the blogs that I read. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that both posts speak true to how I’m feeling and have been feeling for a long time now. I am not happy. Waking up in the morning feels like a chore. Finding interest in people and things have become a burden. Foods that I use to love have lost their flavor. And tears? HA! I’ve cried more times this year alone than I have in my entire life, twice over.
But WHO wants to talk about that stuff? Who can you say those things to without feeling like you’re complaining or seeking sympathy? No one, really. But I’m choosing to tell you all today for vulnerability’s sake. I don’t wake up every morning with birds singing sweet songs in my ears. I’m not excited about much of anything anymore. I feel like a complete stranger to myself. That’s not the kinds of things people want to hear. But it’s my truth for the moment.
After reading those posts, I felt like I should be honest with you all. I know that my writing has changed because I don’t feel 100% like myself. That isn’t fair to you as a faithful reader. I appreciate you so much. So here goes.
“The only journey is the one within.” Rainer Maria Rilke
I pride myself in not having many regrets in life. But as I get older, I’m finding that I’m becoming more cautious. In my early twenties, I threw caution to the wind. Now, anything you say will be researched for honesty and authenticity. I question motives. I question intent. I question whether someone has my best interest at heart or whether they are self-serving.
There are things that you can control and then there is just life. You don’t know what will happen. You can’t control it. You can only go with the flow.
Have you ever laid in bed at night wondering whether you would open your eyes the next morning? Scary, right? But for many of us, when our alarm blares, by the grace of God, we open our eyes again. I don’t know about you but sometimes I just want to exhale. Whew! I made it another day! I’m not sure why He saw fit for me to live but I’m sure glad He did. Being alive…it truly is a blessing.
I woke up in the morning feeling fresh to death
I’m so blessed, yes yes
I went to sleep stressed, woke up refreshed
I’m so blessed, yeah yes
Water in my face and everything is in its place
Peace of mind even my grace
I’m so blessed, yes yes yes
It was right before bed when I first heard Janelle Monae’s song, Q.U.E.E.N. I thought to myself, “what is this noise that I am I listening to right now?” By the second and third listen the next day, I finally realized how perfect it actually was. Oh yes, Miss Monae brought it with the funky beats and hip-hop slash gospel tones. But more than that, her lyrics spoke to the very thoughts I’ve been mulling over for quite some time. It was at that moment that I decided to reclaim my Queendom. I decided to reclaim the respect that I feel I’ve lost along my way.
“Even if it makes others uncomfortable, I will love who I am.”