Self-awareness is a lost art

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“Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” 
―  C. G. Jung

I’ve been in a very introspective mood lately. Really, I always am. Always over-thinking, always over-analyzing and always observing. It’s exhausting! Despite all of that, I had a pretty good weekend. Spent time with friends: eating, drinking and laughing until we couldn’t stand it. And I loved it. But there’s always that moment after it’s all over when you retreat back to your thoughts. Back to reality.

Yesterday after work, I went home, took a nap and woke up restless. The sun was out being annoyingly bright. I got up with the intent to do yoga but I always forget the moves so there’s that. Then I decided to take a walk but I didn’t feel like being chased by a dog. So, I went to the small airport by my house just to watch the sunset and ruminate over different aspects of life.

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At your best, an mvl conversation

Over the weekend, I attended the event of my friend Katrice  (My Vicarious Life). In an effort to start the conversation about living our best lives, Katrice had a panel of three women who she deemed successful. They shared with us their journey and left us with wonderful words of encouragement on pursuing our dreams.

Kudos to Katrice and to a successful event!

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The truth is…

51724d6c18e770ca0d6224b4ac3c4682Last week, a friend of mine put this post in her Gmail status. Shortly after reading it, I came across this post amongst the blogs that I read. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that both posts speak true to how I’m feeling and have been feeling for a long time now. I am not happy. Waking up in the morning feels like a chore. Finding interest in people and things have become a burden. Foods that I use to love have lost their flavor. And tears? HA! I’ve cried more times this year alone than I have in my entire life, twice over.

But WHO wants to talk about that stuff? Who can you say those things to without feeling like you’re complaining or seeking sympathy? No one, really. But I’m choosing to tell you all today for vulnerability’s sake. I don’t wake up every morning with birds singing sweet songs in my ears. I’m not excited about much of anything anymore. I feel like a complete stranger to myself. That’s not the kinds of things people want to hear. But it’s my truth for the moment.

After reading those posts, I felt like I should be honest with you all. I know that my writing has changed because I don’t feel 100% like myself. That isn’t fair to you as a faithful reader. I appreciate you so much. So here goes.

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No regrets

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I pride myself in not having many regrets in life. But as I get older, I’m finding that I’m becoming more cautious. In my early twenties, I threw caution to the wind. Now, anything you say will be researched for honesty and authenticity. I question motives. I question intent. I question whether someone has my best interest at heart or whether they are self-serving.

There are things that you can control and then there is just life. You don’t know what will happen. You can’t control it. You can only go with the flow.

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Respect the queen

PicMonkey Collage (2) (1)It was right before bed when I first heard Janelle Monae’s song, Q.U.E.E.N. I thought to myself, “what is this noise that I am I listening to right now?” By the second and third listen the next day, I finally realized how perfect it actually was. Oh yes, Miss Monae brought it with the funky beats and hip-hop slash gospel tones. But more than that, her lyrics spoke to the very thoughts I’ve been mulling over for quite some time. It was at that moment that I decided to reclaim my Queendom. I decided to reclaim the respect that I feel I’ve lost along my way.

“Even if it makes others uncomfortable, I will love who I am.”

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Meditation challenge with deepak & oprah

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There are times when I my uncontrollable thoughts cause me to become anxious. I mentally create scenarios that make me stressed out for no reason.

Last week, I decided that I’d give meditation another try. It hasn’t worked for me in the past because I can’t seem to settle the rambling thoughts in my mind. A friend mentioned the Deepak Chopra and Oprah 21-day Meditation Challenge to me so I decided to give it a try.

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Fela!

In another place and time, I was a dancer. Specifically, a ballerina. Last Sunday, I got the chance to be an African dancer extraordinaire! From my seat, anyway.

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I’m embarrassed to admit that I never did my research on Fela Kuti before going to see the show. I knew of him and of his music but not much about his story. Fela Anikulapo-Kuti: a Nigerian musician, composer, activist and revolutionary. Fela! the musical tells the story of Kuti in the 1970s, at the height of his career and also his contempt for Nigeria’s corrupt government. I can imagine him thinking to himself, “man, I just want to make music that incites political unrest, smoke weed, and make love to my many wives”. Lol. Kuti was a rebel with a cause and a message in his music.

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I am remembering love

I think about love everyday. Not just being in love but the expression of love. I like to watch people in love. I like to observe how a couple interacts with one another. How their eyes twinkle when their partner says something cute. Or how they roll their eyes when their partner says something corny. One of the greatest expressions of love (to me) is in the movie Love Jones.

Synopsis:

Poet and writer, Darius Lovehall (Lorenz Tate), meets and falls for Nina Moseley (Nia Long), a photographer. From the very beginning, their union was filled with passion. They attended poetry sessions and talked about love and sex.  It seemed perfect but of course there were loose ends. Eventually, they reached a point in their relationship where they needed to define what they were and what they were doing.

“I mean, we’re just friends, right? We’re just kicking it, right?”

Of course there was mistrust and games and all the other things that no one aspires to have in a relationship. I wouldn’t recommend seeing this film in hopes of receiving a complicated love like it. But the emotions were undeniable. That’s what I remember. Something I could feel.

I don’t want to spoil the movie for you (stop watching the video below at minute 8:00 if you don’t want to know how it ends) but pay attention to the expressions.  I see admiration, urgency, desire, care and love. I mean, even if it was just acting, that was some damn good acting.

I AM REMEMBERING LOVE

It is the color of light
the shape of sound high in the evergreens
it lies suspended in hills
a blue line in a red sky
I am looking at sound
I’m hearing the brightness of high bluffs and almond trees
I am tasting the wilderness of lakes, rivers, and streams
caught in an angle of song
I am remembering water that glows in the dawn
the motion tumbled in earth
life hidden in mounds
I am dancing a bright beam of life
I am, remembering love.
– Sonja Sanchez
How do you remember love?
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