“Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.” -Unknown
For the longest time, I gave not even an iota of care about what anyone thought of me. But as of late, I’ve mulled and mulled over making certain decisions because I was unsure of what other people would think.
Will I be judged for posting this picture? Is someone going to think I’m conceited? Will they think I’m overly ambitious for pursuing this project? Will what I put out be accepted?
New flash: they probably already think all of the above.
The beauty of life and growth is not allowing what other people think to cripple you. What other people think of you should not stop you from being your genuine self!
One of the most liberating things you can do is accept yourself for who you are at the present moment. Your no college degree having, gap-toothed, over-analytical, wide-hipped, over zealous self. Because when you have love of SELF, the outside forces cannot destroy you.
Sharing your light is what matters. If you’re too concerned with the thoughts of others, how can you share your light? How others perceive you is not your business or your reality.
Random but, I just felt like sharing.
I’ve been in a very introspective mood lately. Really, I always am. Always over-thinking, always over-analyzing and always observing. It’s exhausting! Despite all of that, I had a pretty good weekend. Spent time with friends: eating, drinking and laughing until we couldn’t stand it. And I loved it. But there’s always that moment after it’s all over when you retreat back to your thoughts. Back to reality.
Yesterday after work, I went home, took a nap and woke up restless. The sun was out being annoyingly bright. I got up with the intent to do yoga but I always forget the moves so there’s that. Then I decided to take a walk but I didn’t feel like being chased by a dog. So, I went to the small airport by my house just to watch the sunset and ruminate over different aspects of life.
Saturday night, we watched as the verdict of “not guilty” flashed across our TV screens. We experienced, to a certain degree, the sadness that Tracy Martin and Sybrina Fulton felt as the murderer of their son was set free. Actually, we can’t really imagine what they must have felt. What they just experienced was the death of their son for the second time. His entire existence made a mockery of in just a few of weeks of deliberation.
I love food. I dream about food. I do a happy dance when I get food. Sometimes, I eat just to chew. I can’t eat enough food. But what of the food that I’m consuming? Have you ever stopped to think about the quality of your food? Is it healthy? Is it savory? Are you living to eat or eating to live? I realized that for the most part, I’m living to eat and not really enjoying my food. After watching Jiro Dreams of Sushi recently, I had a shift in my food mindset.
Last night, I dined at Ocean Prime for the first time. Typically, I do not frequent fancy-shmancy establishments because I don’t like spending a stupid amount of money on food, lol. And if I do and I end up disappointed, well, there will be hell to pay. But, to my surprise, I was very pleased with my dining experience and my meal.
As long as we are persistent in our pursuit of our deepest destiny, we will continue to grow. We cannot choose the day or time when we will fully bloom. It happens in its own time. –Denis Waitley
Last week, a friend of mine put this post in her Gmail status. Shortly after reading it, I came across this post amongst the blogs that I read. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that both posts speak true to how I’m feeling and have been feeling for a long time now. I am not happy. Waking up in the morning feels like a chore. Finding interest in people and things have become a burden. Foods that I use to love have lost their flavor. And tears? HA! I’ve cried more times this year alone than I have in my entire life, twice over.
But WHO wants to talk about that stuff? Who can you say those things to without feeling like you’re complaining or seeking sympathy? No one, really. But I’m choosing to tell you all today for vulnerability’s sake. I don’t wake up every morning with birds singing sweet songs in my ears. I’m not excited about much of anything anymore. I feel like a complete stranger to myself. That’s not the kinds of things people want to hear. But it’s my truth for the moment.
After reading those posts, I felt like I should be honest with you all. I know that my writing has changed because I don’t feel 100% like myself. That isn’t fair to you as a faithful reader. I appreciate you so much. So here goes.
When I first started blogging, it was more of a public journaling experience. I didn’t care who read it. I didn’t care who commented. As my blog grew, more and more people would tell me something specific about a post that really inspired them. Then and only then did I realize that someone actually reads this thing. One of my biggest fans of my blog is Miss Heather Lindskold of Between the Covers. I can ALWAYS count on Heather to like, comment or share one of my posts. I have never met Heather in my life but I promise, the support I receive from her, a complete stranger, (well not really because we’ve beeeen buddies on Twitter :D), means the world to me. And I know it comes from a genuine place.
In the beginning, I used to take it personally when my close friends didn’t read my blog. Not in a badgering “Why haven’t you read this post” way but in a “What I did this weekend is up on my blog. It’s been up -___-” kinda way. But, I got over that really quickly. A while back, I attended a going away gathering for a friend and one of the ladies said something that completely transformed my perspective on receiving support from friends. She said “your friends are not your customers”. OOP. And it makes so much sense. So when a friend of mine asked a question on Facebook yesterday, I had the perfect (well, I thought so) response for her.
My friend asked:
“Why is it that you can receive more support from strangers than of those who you’ve known for years?”
My elaborated response:
It was right before bed when I first heard Janelle Monae’s song, Q.U.E.E.N. I thought to myself, “what is this noise that I am I listening to right now?” By the second and third listen the next day, I finally realized how perfect it actually was. Oh yes, Miss Monae brought it with the funky beats and hip-hop slash gospel tones. But more than that, her lyrics spoke to the very thoughts I’ve been mulling over for quite some time. It was at that moment that I decided to reclaim my Queendom. I decided to reclaim the respect that I feel I’ve lost along my way.
“Even if it makes others uncomfortable, I will love who I am.”