Last week, a friend of mine put this post in her Gmail status. Shortly after reading it, I came across this post amongst the blogs that I read. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that both posts speak true to how I’m feeling and have been feeling for a long time now. I am not happy. Waking up in the morning feels like a chore. Finding interest in people and things have become a burden. Foods that I use to love have lost their flavor. And tears? HA! I’ve cried more times this year alone than I have in my entire life, twice over.
But WHO wants to talk about that stuff? Who can you say those things to without feeling like you’re complaining or seeking sympathy? No one, really. But I’m choosing to tell you all today for vulnerability’s sake. I don’t wake up every morning with birds singing sweet songs in my ears. I’m not excited about much of anything anymore. I feel like a complete stranger to myself. That’s not the kinds of things people want to hear. But it’s my truth for the moment.
After reading those posts, I felt like I should be honest with you all. I know that my writing has changed because I don’t feel 100% like myself. That isn’t fair to you as a faithful reader. I appreciate you so much. So here goes.
The truth is:
- I hate people telling me what to do and how to live. I don’t need any more advice. We live in a culture that loves to tell you you’re not working hard enough or trying hard enough. Sometimes, the weight of the world is HEAVY. Don’t let people make you feel less than you are because you don’t have every single thing that you want. God’s timing is perfect. Do what you can and trust that He will see you through.
- I never struggle. This is a new feeling that I’m learning to stick with.
- WE ARE NOT ALONE. Everyone is fighting some kind of battle. If only we’d realize that, then maybe we’d be a lot more honest with each other.
- I’ve been in a funk for so long that I don’t remember what I want anymore. It doesn’t help that social media shoves so much information down our throats, making life more confusing.
- Some days are reeeeeeeeeally hard to get out of bed. And then I realize I only have two sides and they both hurt from laying down too long. I have no choice but to get up.
- I’m pretty tired of being single. And not because my friends are getting married and having babies. I wouldn’t even know what to do with those things. Probably get up and run. I just think having a companion would make going through all of this a little easier. I don’t always want to hang out with a group, or be a third wheel. A companion who is a non-judgmental, loving and a supportive friend. Just for once in my life.
- I want to cry/pray at the foot of my tub like Julia Roberts in Eat Pray Love, asking God to “tell me what to do.” Maybe my eyes know that I’m setting the scene so the tears don’t come.
- Being an adult fucking sucks. Paying bills when all you want to do is take a vacation anywhere, sucks.
- I cannot gain weight and I keep losing weight and it’s most likely because I have a bad case of the sads.
- I need to leave Georgia. I’m not sure for how long, maybe forever. I just know that I’ve outgrown it all.
I’m certainly not sharing all of this to get anyone to say “poor Lucy”. Like, my feelings are not unique. We all go through shit. But you don’t have to keep your story and/or feelings buried inside of you. Everyone is going through difficult times. Speak your truth and share your story. And like Nicole said in her post, share your truth even when you don’t have all the answers. You never know WHO can benefit from it! So, if you catch me smiling or looking like I’m having a good time on this blog, I am. Everyday is not a bad day but there are indeed, bad days. It just makes you appreciate the good days even more when they come along. Have faith that trouble will not last always. Take pleasure in the moments. Don’t give up my friends.
Man, when I make it out of this to the other side, I’m gonna have one hell of a story to tell.